Narcissism/Karma++
I met my children's father in the wellness community. In 1999 The Kushi Institute in Becket, MA had accepted me into their work study program. He was working in housekeeping. We were both there for one thing, to learn more about Macrobiotic Cooking, the Whole Foods diet based in Chinese Medicine/Japanese principals.
Well at least I was.
He spoke Italian and whispered in my ear.
It made me weak in the knees.
I didn't speak Italian.
When I learned Astrology I found out my chart has what's called an “affliction”.
Neptune close together with The Sun and Venus.
Neptune= The Fairytale-Fog-Karma-Illusion-Delusion
The Sun= Ego. Identity.
Venus= Love-Value-$-Self confidence
I was fogged over by the dramatic performance. I was swept away in the thrill of it all. Rainbows and butterflies. I wasn't seeing reality. I obviously had not learned how to manage this energy in my chart yet. Heck, I didn't even know it was there.
Before traditional Astrology I studied 9 Star Ki or Feng Shui Astrology which basically labeled me as all earth (8-2-2) which I interrupted as a “stick in the mud”. He confirmed that. I had “too many religious hang ups”. I was “too judgmental”. I needed to “lighten up”. I was “too paranoid”. I was “eating too much baked food”. “Too yang” My kidneys were “too tight”.
Bottom line, I was not enough. I needed to eat the perfect diet to gain enlightenment. I needed to eat home cooked meals prepared and eaten at regular times. Soups. Whole grains. Mostly vegetables and sea vegetables. Protein from beans and occasional fish. Cooked fruits. Warm teas. I became a slave to the kitchen.
I was used to being not enough. In the Jehovah's Witnesses world I grew up in the woman were low on the list after God/Jesus/Elders/Men.
Women were inferior. That's just how it was.
I repeated the religion.
I repeated my mother and her Jehovah's Witness fantasy of “paradise”.
“One peaceful world” to quote Michio Kushi, the American founder of Macrobiotics. Instead of using the Bible to critique my behavior it would now be focused on food, diet and lifestyle.
Cooking took over my life. When I became a mother I was obsessed about what my children ate. Organic, home cooked, I was so concerned about them I often overlooked my own needs. I also developed this compulsive sense that he was cheating on me.
“She” was a mutual friend. I confronted them both about my feelings but they both denied it. He told me “I was crazy”. I had really “gone off the deep end”. I needed to “rice fast”. I needed to “cleanse as I was full of negativity”.
“She” just looked scared and denied everything. Her husband agreed that nothing was happening and maybe I should go to therapy. Basically I was making a fool of myself with this paranoia.
I needed to make money so I started cooking for private clients with my baby on my back.“She” would always show up to help. Unpaid help. It was hard to say no. She didn't need the money. She was married to a very successful man. She claimed to want to learn Macrobiotic Cooking. I think she just wanted to find a way to be closer to him. My husband, the fun guy. Light hearted and care free.
I carried the burdens.
I was no fun.
When I discovered I was pregnant with our 2nd child, I knew I was in trouble. We couldn't afford another child, heck we couldn't afford our 1st child. My opinion of birth control had been overpowered by the Macrobiotic viewpoint and his and I ignorantly followed suit. Diet became the focus with very little modern medicine.
He was furthering his Macrobiotic Study with a teacher in Philadelphia. He would carpool with her. He couldn't miss a class, even if I had just given birth. I was on bed rest but his studies were more important. Thank goodness for the support of the community in Boston that helped me through 10 days of bed rest with a 2.5 year old and a newborn. His needs would always come first.
My sense of self was plummeting. His was increasing. One day he tried to explain to me that he was “of the same line as Jesus”. That he was “Jesus incarnate”. I tried to comprehend what he meant but couldn't. He didn't expect me to understand. He laughed at my lack of consciousness.
She understood him.
The last time we were ever intimate I feel back into one of those half sleeps. I think it might have been a lucid dream. We were in the same room but it was the two of them having sex in our bed. I could see them but they didn't seem to notice me. I jerked awake, startled and crying. I couldn't be making this up. I realized I no longer trusted myself. I think he might have secretly enjoyed watching me loose faith in myself.
I got up and I cornered him in the kitchen.
“I'm on to you” I said as I stepped closer and closer.
He denied and denied. I persisted.
“I saw you”
He paused. His energy shifted and he responded,
“You're a witch.”
He never took responsibility for his actions.
His mother told me to “Get up, get out of bed and pretend if I have to!"
“I can't” I replied. “I'm an American”.
It was my fault.
I pushed him to it.
I honestly don't think he thought he did anything wrong.
He was Jesus.
I was the devil.
They say the unhealed parts of you will keep repeating the situation until you heal it. Healing trauma from this life, past lives or your blood line.
Isn't that what Karma is all about?
I was born into a system that told me I wasn't good enough.
I aligned with situations that would continue to confirm this.
I had to heal without an apology.
I had to take responsibility for my role in it.
It took me a very long time.
The Epstein Files have opened up the conversation about misuse of power.
Narcissism. I'm sure we all have our stories. Sheilaa Hite shared this article with me and I want to share it with you. I don't know if all the facts are true but it does start a conversation.
One that is long overdue:
Love,
Regina
PS:
Click here to read more about growing up as a Jehovah's Witness:
“The Devil's in the Cupcakes”.